//Momesty Corner / Emotions? Yes, I'm Familiar with Those...

I work a mere 3.5 miles from my home, which gives me the luxury of going home every day for lunch if I so choose. Trust me, I so choose at every chance I get. So a couple of days ago, I'm making the short drive home and out of nowhere, I started to cry. It wasn't a gradual cry, either, but a full-on, ugly cry that caught me completely unaware. Earlier that day, I was listening to one of my current favorite podcasts, "The Longest Shortest Time" and it got me thinking about my own impending delivery.

To be perfectly honest--and that's the point with these posts, right?--I haven't really been all that afraid to give birth. Sure, it's probably me being completely naive, but I've always had the attitude of if I want to do something, I'm just going to do it and that's that. I don't think of things like that in terms of them being a challenge to me, but rather an opportunity to gauge how much I'll need to improve. Totally crazy, right? Probably. Anyway, whenever I would think about the natural, drug-free, vaginal birth I plan to have, I just assume I'm going to power through the pain until it's over. It helps that I have a relatively high pain tolerance, I guess, but most of that thought process is likely due to my being totally nuts.

So why was I crying? Hell if I know. Okay, so some of it was probably due to hormones. But there was another factor contributing to all of this--the element of the uncontrollable. No, I'm not referring to the waterworks (though I suppose that also counts...). I'm talking about the fact that SO many birth plans don't seem to go the way you were hoping. Like I said, I am planning to opt out of drugs (the idea of an epidural literally makes me more squeamish than anything on the entire planet...the thought of a need being inserted into my spine makes me cringe just typing about it) and have a vaginal birth. I don't want the hassle of recovering from a C-section and I certainly want to avoid an episiotomy unless it absolutely can not be avoided (I won't go into what an "episiotomy" is for your sake).

So listening to this podcast, where so many women have gone on and said how different their birthing experience was compared to what they had planned and prepared for for 40ish weeks, made me dwell a lot on that being a very real possibility for me, too. What if I need a C-section? I haven't even read up on those and how the recovery can be managed! What if I really can't handle the pain, regardless of whatever I've tried, and I NEED the epidural? How will I deal with someone coming at my precious spinal cord with a huge needle to perform a procedure that requires total precision?! What if I get an episiotomy and it doesn't heal right? What if the baby aspirates meconium upon birth? What if something ELSE happens to me or the baby and puts one or both of our lives at risk? There are just things I can not anticipate and that--THAT--makes me scared as hell. So I cried.

Then, while eating a piece of pizza on the couch, with said pizza literally being in my mouth, I cried again. It was for about 15 seconds, but still. Now THAT I blame on hormones. My point with all of this is, it's okay to be scared, to cry, to fear the unknown--especially if you're a type-A "planner" like me. There WILL be things that you will never be able to anticipate going into this, and that's okay. The best you can do is relay your wishes to all of the respective people and to trust those in the delivery room with you. Trust that they know what they're doing and that they will do whatever is necessary to help you and/or your baby. And it's always okay to cry, whether you're pregnant or not.

No comments:

Post a Comment